eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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