mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
