I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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