Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
