I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
