I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
