textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
