its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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