I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
