who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
