Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
