Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
