do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have never encountered a chode in the wild