I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I will pee on everything he values.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
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I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast