I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie