I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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