i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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