I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
