I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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