we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
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I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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