she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
