matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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