Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
