Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
