Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
