Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
