My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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