Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
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His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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