i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
