Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
