If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
