Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
