Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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