i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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