i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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