I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
