i don't like sucking hair
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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