when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
