her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
