it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
