remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
