By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
