On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
