The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far