My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
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It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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