You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
