mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't turn off my feet"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
