this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
