I'm lost and stupid without you.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
