So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
