I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
COCAINE IS GR8
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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