I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
