saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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