Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize