Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
