RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
