I wish I could teleport
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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