So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
