That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
