My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
