She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
