You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
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